


Merry Gentlemen

by The_Honeyed_Hufflepuff



Series: Fire-verse [2]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Agatha Wellbelove Finds Out, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Post-Canon, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-04 23:40:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17907914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Honeyed_Hufflepuff/pseuds/The_Honeyed_Hufflepuff
Summary: Agatha visits for Christmas & finds out about Simon & Baz's relationship.Me: Has a little writer's blockMy brain: You could write a fluffy one-shot about Agatha finding outMe: You right, brain. I'll do that.Me: *accidentally veers off course & throws some angst in there*Me: Well, fuckBrain: Don't post this till you're doneMe: You right, I won't.Also me: *posts before it's done*...enjoy?





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I still kind of suck at titles  
> 2\. This can be read as a standalone, but some of the minutiae will make more sense if you're reading A Pair of Splendid Morons  
> 3\. Oops
> 
> Happy birthday to Baz I guess?

****

**PENELOPE**

“There’s something you should know before we get to the flat,” I say.

“Penelope, please,” Agatha says from the passenger seat. I've just picked her up from her parents’; she’s visiting for Christmas. “I’m here on vacation. I just want a  _ normal  _ vacation.”  _ Vacation?  _ She’s even talking like an American now.

“All I was going to say is that Baz will probably be there.” I can’t see Agatha’s face; I’m a  _ responsible  _ driver.

“Baz?” she says after a moment. “Basilton  _ Pitch _ ?”

“Yeah, he & Simon get on now, so.” I haven’t told Agatha that Simon & Baz are dating. It’s been a year since we’ve seen her & this is all likely to be quite a shock. She says she’s finally ready to see Simon after everything that happened last year, & I think it’d be good for us all to be friends again. I didn’t want her to back out of visiting us if she knew.

It’s also not my place to tell.

I also haven’t told Simon & Baz that I’m bringing Agatha over, which probably isn’t the best idea I’ve ever had but I didn’t want Simon to argue about seeing  _ her _ , either.

This might turn out to be an absolute shitshow, but I’m hoping for the best.

“What does that even  _ mean _ ?” Agatha says. “Simon & Baz ‘get on’. Why does that mean Baz will probably be at yours?  _ Penelope _ . I said I’m ready to see  _ Simon.  _ Not Baz Pitch.”

“Basil’s a good bloke,” I say as I turn onto our street. I can only imagine the look she’s giving me right now. “We have lovely debates, him & me.”

“Oh, _ wonderful _ .”

I say, “Everything’ll be  _ fine _ , Agatha.” I think I’m trying to convince myself as much as I’m trying to convince her. 

>>>

“Jesus Christ, which floor are you on?” she asks once we’ve cleared three flights. Talking like an American, swearing like a Normal.

“One more to go,” I say.  _ Please don’t be shagging, for the love of Crowley. _

We hear the music before we’ve even reached the door.

“What’s that? Is that coming from  _ your  _ flat?” Agatha asks. “Is it...is that David Bowie?”

I don’t answer. I’m a little too nervous to really be paying attention to  _ who’s  _ singing the song blasting inside the flat.

I pound my fist into the door a few times, just in case.  _ Please have clothes on, at least. _

“Why are you knocking on your own door?”

“Oh, you know,” I say. (I’d like to say, “Please shut up,” but I feel like that’d get us off to a bad start.)

“No, I don’t,” Agatha says. “Penelope, you’re acting weird.”

I stick the key in the lock. “I am not.”  _ Here we go.  _ I open the door & we’re immediately assaulted by the music - it  _ is  _ David Bowie.

Simon’s got his camera set up on a tripod near the window by the front door. (He says food photography has to be done in natural light.) It’s dark outside now, & usually he puts it away as soon as he’s done. It was a gift from Baz; he takes  _ very  _ good care of it.

_ And you, you can be mean _

_ And I, I’ll drink all the time _

_ ‘Cause we’re lovers, and that is a fact _

_ Yes we’re lovers, and that is that _

There’s two empty wine glasses on the coffee table. (Another gift from Baz; said he wouldn’t have us drinking wine out of tumblers like barbarians.) Simon & Baz are in the kitchen. Basil, bless him, is literally dancing like nobody's watching, running his own hands through his hair, shaking his head in time to the beat. Simon is lip-syncing into what appears to be an empty wine bottle.

My boys are completely sozzled.

_ I, I will be king _

_ And you, you will be queen _

_ Though nothing will drive them away _

_ We can be heroes, just for one day _

_ We can be us, just for one day _

The flat smells wonderful, like this lovely biscuit recipe of Simon’s. I bloody well hope there’s at least biscuits after this.

Agatha’s stood next to me, jaw agape.

“What. The.  _ Fuck, _ ” she says.  

On closer inspection, they’re both a mess, covered in flour. It’s in Basil’s hair. They’ve also got tell-tale flour handprints all over their clothes. Baking & bloody groping all over my kitchen.

Well, Simon’s kitchen, really. Still.

Simon appears to be  _ attempting  _ to dance, but his rhythm’s awful. His tail’s swinging to the beat pretty well, though.

I turn to Agatha. “I told you Baz would be here,” I say, shrugging.

She just stares at me.

I decide to pull out my mobile & film this for potential future use. (You never know when you might need to blackmail your friends.)

“Penny!” Simon yells from across the room, over the music. I don’t think he’s spotted Agatha, not yet. “C’mere! We’re celebrating!”

“Celebrating?” I yell back.

“Yeah! I hit five thousand foll’wers on Inst’gram today! Wicked, innit?!” That’s actually quite a milestone; Simon’s only had his blog up for about three months. I just hope he hasn’t drunk himself into oblivion. (Baz is usually good about keeping tabs on him.)

“Simon,” I say.

“ _ Alexa _ , pause” Baz yells. (Our Echo was yet another gift from Basil. I think it’s more for his own use, anyway.)

“ _ Baz _ !” Simon's still yelling  even though there's no music to yell over. “The song wasn’t over!”

“Hello, Wellbelove,” Baz says. “Fancy seeing you here.” 

>>>

“I for one am  _ not _ intoxicated,” Basil says once the rest of us are all sat ‘round the coffee table with tea. (I let Agatha have the stuffed chair so she doesn't have to cuddle up on the couch with these two morons.)

I quirk an eyebrow at him. Simon makes a weird little growling noise like he's trying to hold in a laugh.

Baz finishes stirring his tea & drops down on Simon's other side, folds one long leg beneath himself.

“You're full of shit is what you are,” I say. Basil is a coherent drunk; he doesn't slur his words, keeps his faculties in place. What he  _ does  _ do when he's pissed is loosen up. (Hence the seemingly impromptu kitchen dance party.)

Baz doesn't answer me, just takes a long sip of tea while staring at me over the cup (& Simon's head).

Simon, bless him, is another story entirely. He's got no filter at all when he's had too much. He leans into Basil's side, rests his head on Basil's shoulder. Agatha is just staring at them. I don't think she's even touched her tea.

“ _ Baz _ ,” Simon says.

Baz rolls his eyes (just a little), then shifts his tea to his other hand so he can put his free arm around Simon.

“Okay, I know I've not been around for a  _ while  _ now,” Agatha says. “But can someone please explain-,” she gestures at Simon & Baz with her hand, “- _ this _ ?”

I close my eyes, let out a breath.

Simon makes that growl-laugh noise again.

Basil leans forward, sets his tea on the table, then drapes his arm around Simon again. “It's like this, Wellbelove.” He gestures between himself & Simon. “Snow & I, we. Well, we're together now.”

Agatha leans forward, blinks at him. “You're what?”

“ _ Together _ ,” Basil repeats with emphasis.

“Together.”

“Yeah,” Simon says. “Like, we hold hands & kiss &-,” he's cut off by Basil's hand over his mouth.

Agatha's brow furrows, her jaw moving side to side. She leans forward, sets her tea down, leans back in her chair, & bursts out laughing.

We all watch her have her laugh, wipe the tears from her eyes. “You're all barmy,” she says. “You can stop the act now; you've had your fun.”

“What d'you mean?” Simon asks.

“‘Just so you know, Baz will be at the flat. He & Simon get on now,’ blah blah. Nice try, Penelope. I'm not  _ that  _ naive.”

“Wellbelove,” Basil says. “We had no idea you were in town. Bunce just showed up with you. Why, I don't know.” He looks over at me over Simon's head. “We'll have words later, Bunce.”

“I thought this was the best way,” I say. “It's actually going much better than I anticipated.”

“Ag'tha,” Simon says. “Y’don't believe us?”

“I absolutely do  _ not _ ,” Agatha laughs.

Basil sighs. “Crowley's sake,” he whispers, then plants a kiss on Simon's mouth. “Wellbelove,” he says. “ _ I,  _ for one, am  _ gay _ .” He leans back into the couch & gives her that classic Basil look, the kind you can interpret in any way you'd like & probably still be wrong.

“You are  _ not _ ,” Agatha says. “What about-,” but I can't hear what she's saying because Simon & Baz are completely hysterical. Agatha looks at me. “Is this. No. This  _ can't. _ ”

“I  _ really  _ don't know what to tell you, Agatha, other than Basil needs to work on the duration of his silencing spells a little more,” I say.

I practically _ feel  _ Baz's head snap in my direction. “I  _ beg  _ your pardon! My silencing spells are top-notch, thank you.”

“Not from where I'm sitting, Basilton  _ 'fuck yes harder _ ’ Pitch.” Oh shit. Did I say that? I totally said it. Basil's looking at me like he wants to rip my throat out.

He shoots up to standing. “Why the  _ fuck  _ would you wait till right  _ now  _ to say something?!” His cheeks are flaming; he must have fed recently.

“Pen,” Simon turns to me. “That was…”

“ _ Uncalled for _ is the vocabulary I believe this drunk moron is looking for,” Baz says. He looks like he's trying to find the best exit route. Eventually he walks into Simon's bedroom.

Simon looks from me to Agatha to his bedroom before getting to his feet & making to follow, but Baz is already coming back, coat on & keys in hand.

“I'm going,” he says.

“Baz,” Simon says. He tries to touch him but Baz shrugs him off.

I get up too. “Basil, wait,” I say, though I know it won't do any good. “You're right,” I say to his back. “It was uncalled for. I'm sorry.”

He doesn't say anything, doesn't even kiss Simon goodbye. He just walks out the front door & slams it closed.

Simon stands there for a second before turning back to me, tail thrashing. “What the  _ fuck _ , Penny?”

“Go after him, Si,” I say. “Make sure he's alright. He shouldn't be driving.”

“Shit,” Simon says, then rushes after Baz.

I close my eyes & slump back down onto the couch, holding my face in my hands.

After a few moments, Agatha says, “This isn't some elaborate ruse at all, is it?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon & Baz have a chat.

**SIMON**

 

I catch up with Baz when he's halfway down the third flight of stairs. (I'm glad I'm sobering up, otherwise I probably would've fallen on my face by now.)

“Baz!” He doesn't turn around. I can't remember the last time he purposefully ignored me like this. Not since we've been together, I don't think. “Baz!”

He turns around. “Fuck it all, Snow,” he says, pulling his wand out as he climbs back towards me. “ **_There's nothing to see here!_ ** ” 

“Baz, you  _ know  _ I don't like that spell-,”

“You really want me to be choosy when you're standing out in plain sight of all your neighbors?” He pockets his wand & turns back around.

“ _ Baz _ , come on. You know Penny didn't mean it. You're friends; she was just having a laugh.”

“It's not.” Baz looks around for a second then says, “Can we go sit in the car?

“Yeah, but we're not going anywhere. You've been drinking, &. Well, you were going to stay tonight, yeah? Before you go home to spend the week with your family. I'm not going to see you for a while. We won't be together on our anniversary.”

He looks at me & sighs. It sounds like he's given up. (What, I don't know.) “Yeah, I'll stay.”

“Let's go talk, then.” 

We make our way down the rest of the stairs in silence. One of my older neighbors says “Hello” to Baz but nearly walks into me. I hate this fucking spell.

We sit quietly inside the Jag for a few minutes & I think of what a pair we are, the care home kid & the rich kid whose father just  _ gave  _ his son a bloody  _ Jaguar  _ so he’d have a car here in London. (“I’d like a new car anyway, Basilton. It’s yours.” Must be nice.)

Finally, Baz says, “It's not so much what Bunce said. I know she's just teasing & knows too bloody much about our sex life as is.” He takes a deep breath & stares at the steering wheel. “Though it is sort of embarrassing. It's one thing to talk about it & another to be overheard when the things I say in bed are only supposed to be for you.”

That melts my heart a little. I love Baz all the time, even when he's a complete twat, but the way I feel about him when he's soft with me is just... something else. It's a side of him I see more & more as time goes by.

I reach over & take his hand. (I like playing with his fingers.)

“I get what you're saying, but at least it was just Penny-,”

He looks up at me then. He almost looks like he's about to cry. “But it's  _ not  _ just Penny, because she's just gone & told Wellbelove, hasn't she?”

“It's. It's just Agatha. And she wasn't here to  _ actually _ hear-,”

“ _ Just Agatha _ ? Can you hear yourself? Your ex-girlfriend shows up out of the blue at your flat & all you can say is 'it's just Agatha’? Are you daft?”

Maybe I am. “Look, I know it's a bit inconvenient & all, but-,” 

“For fuck's sake, do I have to spell this out for you? I haven't even  _ seen  _ her since last Christmas. You haven't seen her. She's lovely & tan in the middle of fucking December & how do I know she doesn't waltz in & you realize what a colossal mistake you've made?”

That throws me for a bit of a loop. “Mistake? With what?”

“When I had to watch you with her, when I had to watch you at  _ all _ all those years...I thought I loved you then. I thought I couldn't Iove you any fucking more than I did & it was  _ torture. _ ” He  _ is  _ starting to cry. He swipes the tears away with his free hand. “That wasn't anything compared to how I love you now, & every day I wonder if today's the day you wake up & realize that it's a  _ mistake _ , being with me.”

What do you even  _ say  _ to something like that? “Have you gone 'round the bend?” It's all I can think to ask.

“ _ Simon _ -,”

“No, you shut up for a minute. I don't know where the fuck this is coming from. Well, I do, & I still think you should talk to my therapist-”

“ _ Simon-,” _

“I  _ do  _ think you should talk to her, Baz. And I know things are a lot better with you than they used to be. But just listen to me, yeah?  _ I love you. _ I love you so bloody much it hurts sometimes, so yeah. I know what you mean. You think I don't think about you finding someone else? Someone who hasn't lost his magic? Maybe someone like Penny who could really talk academics with you? Someone who's a little less fucked up? Because I do. But then I remember that you  _ chose  _ me, & you keep choosing me, & I believe you. So do me a favor & trust me when I say I choose you, too.” I wait a beat, then add, “And it's not just because you have a great arse, even though you do & you fucking know it.”

Baz snorts. (I'm glad the joke went over well.) “I  _ do _ , don't I?” he says.

“Yeah,” I say, & I lean over to wipe his tears away. (Where the fuck's that handkerchief when you need it?)(Honestly I think that thing might've just been a ruse to rile me up; I've never actually seen him  _ use  _ one.) When it’s dry, I kiss his cheek. (It tastes like salt, still.) “Also,” I say in his ear, “you're bloody brilliant, & kind, & totally fit,  _ & _ you share your coffees with me even though I know you don't actually want to. And you're a right pillar of support. I couldn't have done all this stuff with my cooking without you, could I?”

Baz just stares at our hands resting in his lap. “I don’t. I don’t really know what to say to all that.”

I squeeze his hand. “Just say ‘thank you,’ & believe me. That’s all. Just believe me.” 

“Thank you,” he says, quietly. I barely hear it. 

I reach over with my free hand to tuck a stray bit of hair behind his ear. “Baz. You really think I'd choose Agatha over you?” It’s absurd, really, but I want to know. I want him to know how  _ loved  _ he is, too. 

“You chose Agatha over me for  _ years _ , Simon.”

“Well, to be fair I thought you wanted to kill me that whole time,” I point out. “Also, I had no idea you were gay-,”

“Because you’re _ daft _ ,” Baz says, finally looking at me with a smile.

“And  _ also _ , I didn’t know I was attracted to men. Which is bloody laughable at this point, but here we are.” 

“But here we are,” Baz sighs. 

I lean over & kiss him at the corner of his mouth. “Agatha & I weren't  _ good together _ , Baz. But you & me are, aren't we?” I nudge his shoulder. “Otherwise you wouldn't be breaking silencing spells with me, yeah?”

“Have you seen you? I’d break silencing spells with you even if you didn’t love me.”

“Nah, you’re more of a romantic than that, you big soppy git,” I say. “Anyway, you don’t have a choice. I  _ do  _ love you. You’re like, my bloody world. So.” My face is heating up but I let him see it, & the next thing I know Baz’s kissing me (hard, & with enthusiasm). I let him go, let him slip his tongue into my mouth, let him make me moan into his. 

“You need a shave,” he says against my mouth.

“Let’s go back upstairs, yeah?” I say. “Otherwise I can't make any promises that I won't try to fuck you in this car.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come [visit me on Tumblr if that's your thang](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thehoneyedhufflepuff)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon & Baz return to the flat.

**PENELOPE**

 

Agatha & I have been sitting in a bit of an awkward silence.

Finally, she says, “Should I go back home? I could probably have my mum come pick me up.” On second thought, she says, “Or maybe you should come with.”

I'm so incredibly embarrassed with myself right now. “No. No, this isn't your fault. I can't believe I actually said that. Just...don't bring it up when they come back. Please.”

“Penelope, _why_ didn't you just tell me? Maybe we could've avoided this.”

“You wouldn't have believed me if I had, would you? Besides, it's no use thinking on what we _could've_ done. It's done. Doesn't matter.” _It wasn't my place to tell_ , I think, _then I went & told bloody all. _Maybe that's what happens when you keep a secret that big. Eventually you just explode.

Agatha considers that for a moment. “I suppose you're right,” she says. “I probably wouldn't have believed it. This is. Penelope, you realize how utterly _bizarre_ this is, don't you?”

“Honestly, it's not so strange if you actually think about it. Can you remember a time when those two _weren't_ obsessed with each other?”

She looks like she's thinking about it. She even opens her mouth a few times as if she's going to point out some time when Simon _wasn't_ constantly talking about Baz, but then she shakes her head & says, “No. No, I guess not.”

“Really it was just all this unresolved sexual tension,” I say.

My heartbeat speeds up a bit when I hear footsteps outside the door. It opens before I’m ready, but I suppose it’s best to get this over with.

Simon holds the door & Basil walks in. He sends a curt nod in Agatha's direction but heads for Simon's room without looking at me. He shuts the door behind him.

Simon comes over & sits next to me on the couch - I notice he's a bit _off_ around the edges - & the three of us sit here in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. (The tea’s gone cold but I don’t bother to magick it warm again.)

“So,” he says, finally. “Who wants biscuits? I've made biscuits.”

I realize I sent Simon after Basil with his wings & tail visible; that makes three idiotic things I've done today. “Did Baz do **There's nothing to see here** on you?” I ask. That would explain the _off-_ ness.

“Yes, Bunce. You sent him trailing after me looking like a flour-dredged demon.” Basil's changed his clothes; he's wearing a loose grey jumper & black trackies. (He finally bought his own to leave here since he was always wearing Simon's.)(He must be staying over, which means he doesn't hate me. Not completely, anyway.) Agatha's staring at him; it _is_ a shock the first time you see Baz in loungewear.

He walks towards us & I stand up on the couch so we're closer in height. “I'm sorry,” I say.

“Yes, well. I have to forgive you. Otherwise you'll be down to one & a half friends.” He hugs me, briefly. (This is a recent development in our relationship, & it's always a bit of a shock. He's not as warm as a normal person.) “Simon, help me in the kitchen, will you?” That's code for “come help me heat up my blood, love.” Baz keeps containers of frozen pig's blood from the butcher's here, & he says he hasn't found the proper amount of magickal heat to thaw & warm it properly without a bunch of coagulation. Simon's great with blood; he makes a lovely black pudding. (I'm actually shocked that Baz's willing to drink in front of Agatha, but then again maybe he just wants her to see that he has built-in weapons.)

Simon stands up & the loss of his weight on the couch almost sends me flying. I use his shoulder to steady myself & hop back down to the floor. “Right,” he says. “I'll bring the biscuits,” he tells us. “I'll put the kettle back on, too.”

I could just reheat our tea with magic, but Simon's convinced that food tastes better when it's made the Normal way. (Honestly I think he's right.)

The boys head to the kitchen & when I look back at Agatha, she's just shaking her head. “This is absolutely unreal.” I don't have anything to say so I just take a leaf out of Simon's book & shrug at her.

“Um. So what're you doing for Christmas, then?” Agatha asks after a few moments.

It’s probably best not to refer to the events of last Christmas whatsoever. “Oh, you know. Same as usual. Only Simon's coming with this year. He's got Christmas dinner all planned out.”

“He’s really serious about this whole cooking thing, isn’t he?”

“Oh, yeah,” I say. “He’s brilliant at it. He’s got Basil to thank, really; he’s the one who convinced him to finally start the blog.”

“That’s good, then. I’m glad he’s found a hobby.”

I want to point out that the “cooking thing” is much more than a hobby to Simon, but I just leave it be for now. Agatha’s brow furrows & she sniffs the air. “Is that...is that black pudding?”

“Not exactly…” I say.

Agatha turns in her chair to look back at the boys. They’re at the sink & I know Simon’s pouring the warm blood while Baz holds the sieve (I’ve seen them do it too many times to count by now), but they’re stood with their backs to us so Agatha can’t actually see what they’re doing. There’s the _clank_ of steel-on-steel as Simon sets his pan in the sink, then Basil’s walking towards us with a glass of blood in hand.

I think about asking why he’s having more blood since he already fed earlier, but I suppose a vampire’s allowed a snack sometimes. (Also I don’t want to bring up how red he was after I said...what I said.) Maybe it’s like stress eating. I’ve riled him up & now he needs extra.

He sits next to me & swirls his blood around his glass. His cheeks are full with his fangs.

“Take a photo, Wellbelove; it’ll last longer,” he slurs. (It's sort of cute when Baz talks with his fangs out.)

“What’re you doing?” Agatha asks.

“Drinking his life juice, right love? Kettle’ll be a few more minutes.” Simon says. He’s come back with the biscuits. He offers the tray to Agatha but she holds up a hand & says she’ll have some later. I take four.

I wonder if Basil’s whole plan is to make Agatha as uncomfortable as possible. Probably. If so, he’s a vindictive little shit. It makes me wonder what’s in store for me later.

“You’ve got fangs,” Agatha says. “Jesus Christ, _you’ve got fangs._ ”

“Wicked, right?” Simon says.

“Um.” She looks like she might be about to be sick.

“Wellbelove,” Baz says, but it’s all jumbled up in his mouth. “Agatha,” he says, but that doesn’t sound much better. “Fuck it. I’m not going to _eat you._ This is just my nightly routine.”

“What, biscuits with a side of blood?”

“Sometimes it’s scones,” Simon says.

“Sometimes it’s scones,” Baz agrees.

Agatha closes her eyes as Baz takes a languid sip. “Look, this isn’t anything against you, but would you mind finishing that up? I don’t really like blood.”

Basil raises his glass to her & then gets up to drink his blood in the kitchen. He usually drinks it in a few swallows, anyway; really he could’ve finished it in the kitchen to start. When he’s done he washes his glass out & sets it in the dishwasher. Agatha lets out a deep breath.

Baz comes back, grabs some biscuits off the tray, & says, “Alright, let’s just get this bit out of the way. Simon & I are together. In a relationship. Do you have a problem with that?” He pops a biscuit into his mouth & chews while he waits for Agatha’s answer.

“No, just. Forgive me, but it’s a bit strange.”

“Do you have a problem with gay people, Wellbelove?”

“What? No. Baz, I live in _California_. I’m just trying to get used to the two of you...like this, is all. It’s a lot to take in.” She leans forward & grabs a biscuit, takes a bite. “So. You’re gay.”

Basil nods, pops another biscuit into his mouth, & says, “Completely,” around his fangs & his biscuit crumbs.

“And you Simon?” Agatha gestures at him with her half-eaten biscuit. “Are _you_ gay?”

Simon shakes his head. “Nah,” he says. “Bisexual, I think. I haven't completely decided.” He shrugs. “I don't know that it matters so much as long as I'm happy with who I'm with.”

Agatha nods. “And you are? Happy?”

I say, “They're disgustingly in love, is what they are. I've never seen anything like it, honestly.” I really haven’t. I love Micah, I do, but it’s never been so _intense_. Honestly I think it’d be exhausting if it were.

Agatha finishes her biscuit, _pensively_ . When she’s swallowed, she says, “So, have you _always_ liked each other?”

Basil says, “I've wanted to kiss Simon since I was twelve years old.”

Agatha shakes her head, grabs another biscuit. “Jesus, this is like something out of a fucking book.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fun & games

**AGATHA**

 

I don’t know who these people are anymore, but I like them. 

When I thought about how I’d be spending my Christmas vacation, I certainly didn’t imagine myself sitting around drinking wine & playing board games with my ex, his vampire boyfriend, & Penelope Bunce. Never say never, I guess. 

It’s all so very... _ Normal.  _ (If you don’t count the vampire bit. Baz hasn’t had any more blood tonight, thank God.)

Baz wanted to play Monopoly, but we weren’t sure we had the time for it. (I need to be back at my parents’ at a decent hour.) Simon also said Baz would have an unfair advantage since he goes to LSE.

“They don’t teach us how to play Monopoly at LSE, you dolt,” Baz said.

“Still. They teach you, like,  _ real life Monopoly _ ,” Simon said. 

We ended up sat on the floor playing Scrabble instead, which has really just turned into watching Basil & Penelope fight for first place.

“Bunce, YOLO isn’t a bloody word.” 

“It’s in the dictionary now, Basil.”

“It’s an  _ acronym.  _ You can’t use an acronym.” 

“Surely we can bend the rules. We’re not in a bloody championship game.”

“We bend the rules once & this whole game will go to shit. Besides, I’m winning.”

“What do you two think?” Penny asks Simon & me. “YOLO. Yea or nay?” 

“I dunno,” Simon says. “I mean, we made an exception for yours, Baz.” 

Basil rolls his eyes. “That’s because the Scrabble dictionary is  _ wrong. _ ” He points to the board where the word “ARSEHOLE” sticks out like a sore thumb. “No one in this room can argue that ‘arsehole’ isn’t a word.” 

Penny  _ had  _ argued that you can’t use swear words in Scrabble, so we had to sit here for a few minutes while Baz Googled to prove her wrong. 

“You’ve tainted our family-friendly board,” Penny said.

“That’s what I do, Bunce. I’m disturbed.” 

He claimed that it was the only word he could’ve used with his tiles, but honestly I think he’s either trying to get back at Penelope for what she said earlier or he’s trying to rub the fact that he’s shagging Simon in my face. (Or both.)

All in good fun, I suppose.

I still can’t believe they’re shagging. I mean, I  _ do _ . But I can’t. We had a bit of a laugh over it, earlier. I asked Baz why, if he’s gay, he was always leading me on when we were at Watford. 

“He was trying to set me off, wasn’t he?” Simon said. “Make me jealous. Worked, didn’t it?” 

“You’re an arsehole,” I said. 

“Yes, well,” Baz said, “I meant no harm by it. Not really.”

“You most certainly  _ did _ ,” I argued.

He  _ shrugged  _ then. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him shrug. Simon must be rubbing off on him in more ways than one. 

I actually agree with Baz on YOLO. “Basil’s right. YOLO’s an acronym, not a word.” 

“Oh, fine,” Penelope says. “Is just ‘YO,’ a word then? That’s all I’ve got.”

Basil does the Google search. “It counts. It’s American slang for ‘hello’, apparently. Is that true, Wellbelove?” 

“I guess. I haven’t heard it."

“It’s on Urban Dictionary.” Baz narrows his eyes, then looks straight at me & says, “‘Yo, Homeslice’?” It sounds ridiculous with his posh accent.

Simon reaches over & grabs Baz’s mobile. “What the fuck are you reading? 

“That’s what it says, just there,” Baz says.

“Sounds like some sort of pudding,” Simon says as he hands back Baz’s mobile. 

It's my turn, now. I take a look at my tiles, then the board. I finish off my last bit of wine - white; the red reminded me of Baz's blood - & spell out the word “BREAST” off Baz's letter “R”. Not so vulgar, but I have to work with the tiles I've got. 

He narrows his eyes at me. “Touché, Wellbelove,” he says. “Your turn, Snow.” 

It's weird, I think, to call your boyfriend by his last name, but this whole fucking situation is weird so I don't think on it too much.

Simon uses my “S” to spell out “SCONE.” Well, maybe not so much has changed around here after all.

 

**SIMON**

 

It's good to know that Agatha's doing well out in California. She tells us about school, her friends, her dog.

“What kind of dog did you say?” Baz asks.

“A King Charles?” Agatha says. “Why?”

“And.” Baz's looking down at the finished Scrabble board. (He won, of course.) “You found it? Outside Watford?” There's a hint of a smile on his face when he looks up.

“Yes?” Agatha says.

“Well, shit,” Penny says. She & Baz look at each other & burst out laughing. Baz actually laughs so hard he ends up lying on the floor & holding his stomach. His jumper rides up & exposes just a bit of skin & I bite my lip until I notice Agatha staring at me. Hopefully she can't guess what I'm thinking about. (She probably can.) I feel my face go hot.

“What's so funny?” she asks.

“Oh, fuck,” Baz laughs. “That poor bloke.” He can't stop laughing. Penny's on the floor next to him now, her head on his belly. (She can't stop either.)

“Do  _ you  _ know what they're laughing about?” Agatha asks.

“No idea,” I say, because I don't. It's a sight, though. I love that Penny & Baz are friends. 

They finally catch their breath but then they look at each other & start up all over again. Penny's head's bouncing on Baz's stomach as he laughs. She snorts. I think there're tears in her eyes but her glasses make it hard to tell.

“You,” Baz says, his voice breathy & higher than usual. “I thought - you were -  _ inside _ \- that fucking - dog.” 

Agatha’s looking between the two of them, her brow furrowed. “This is…very strange, Simon.”

“What is?” I ask.

“Seeing Baz  _ laugh _ .”

Well,  _ I _ think it's lovely. Baz deserves to be happy.

He & Penny sit up, finally. Penny takes off her glasses to wipe her eyes, then says, “Baz, he. Basil _ stole _ that dog, last Christmas. I was using her to talk to him & he thought I was trapped inside her body because he's a fucking moron.” Penny barely gets the last bit out before she falls back onto her back laughing again.

Baz cocks an eyebrow. “An easy mistake to make. I was  _ distraught _ , Bunce.”

Penny sits back up. “We  _ wondered _ what had happened to her. It just. After everything that happened, we. Well, we were focused more on Simon.”

“So,” Agatha says, her eyes narrowed. “You  _ possessed  _ my dog,  _ stole _ her from her original owner, & left her in the snow to die.”

I still don't have a clue what they're talking about.

“We didn't leave her in the snow to die! She must've gotten out of the car after we did,” Penny says.

“Unbelievable,” Agatha says, but I  _ think _ there's a hint of a smile on her face. 

“It's lovely to know she's well,” Baz says, & I can tell he's trying not to laugh again.

“Oh, fuck you,” Agatha says, but there's no venom in it, not really.

We clean up Scrabble & watch telly for a bit, have more biscuits & tea. It's nice, really. Things were a lot more stressful the last time we were all together like this, back in Hampshire. That day after Baz & I went to the vampire bar. The day after I kissed him for the first time.

Things were so  _ different _ , then.

I nudge Baz's cheek with my nose. (We're sat the way he likes - his back to my chest - so my wings can spread out over the armrest. Agatha's curled up in the stuffed chair. Penny's at our feet so I'm sure Baz's legs are a bit cramped. He's tried pushing her off the couch a few times already.) Baz turns his face so I can kiss him, just a few quick pecks. I smile against his lips.

A pillow hits me in the face just as I'm turning to face the telly. Penny's smirking at me from her side of the couch.

 

**AGATHA**

 

“This was lovely, Simon,” I say. Penny's about to drive me home, but she & Baz have gone off somewhere so it's just Simon & me in the kitchen. “Thanks for having me. Sorry it was...such a surprise.”

“That's alright,” he says. He's making up a package of biscuits & scones for me to take home. (They're all delicious; he definitely has a knack for baking.) “It's great to see you, really.” 

“I'm. Well, I'm really happy that you're doing well,” I say. 

He smiles at me & hands me the container of biscuits. “Yeah, well. You too. It's nothing like what I imagined, honestly…” He rubs the back of his neck. “But it's good, you know? It's. It's what I didn't know I needed.”

I have that photo of the Mage & Lucy in my bag. I don't know if now's a good time to give it to him, but will it really ever be a good time?

“Um,” I say, & I reach into my bag for the photo. “I've been meaning to give this to you.” I hand him the photo. His face is unreadable. “I just. I know he meant a lot to you. I thought you might want to have it.”

Simon's quiet for a moment, but eventually he says, “I've. Well, I've been working through this stuff with my therapist, you know? He didn't care about me. The Mage, I mean. I don't think.” He keeps staring at the photo. I feel awful, for a moment, but he moves on pretty quickly. “Who's this woman?”

“Her name's Lucy. Professor Bunce - Penny's mum - said she was her best friend. She was dating the Mage, here.”

“Does she…” He runs a thumb over Lucy's face. “Does she look... familiar to you?”

I shrug. “Maybe a bit, now you mention it. Her eyes.”

“Yeah,” he says. He looks over my shoulder & smiles. Penny & Baz have just come back. The way Simon's eyes soften when he looks at Baz... he never looked at me that way. Not once in three years.

“Ready?” Penny asks me.

“Yeah,” I say.

“Come see us again before you head home, yeah?” Simon says. He's pocketed the photo.

I think I'd like that. “Yeah, I will.” I hug him as best I can. (The wings are a bit of a bother; I'm not sure how he stands them.) “Bye, Basil,” I say. “Good to see you again.”

“Likewise,” he says. I don't think he really means it, but he's been pleasant enough all evening.

“Have a happy Christmas,” I say.

“Yeah,” Simon says. “You too.”

Penny opens the door & we step over the threshold. I give Simon & Baz one last wave. I've a mind to ask my dad what can be done about those wings.


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Simon & Agatha talk in the kitchen, Baz & Penny have their own talk in Simon's room...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates tonight - make sure you read chapter 4 first! :D

**PENELOPE**

 

I’m getting ready to drive Agatha home when Basil asks me to come with him to Simon’s room. He shuts the door behind us. “So,” he says. “How long do you think you’ll be gone?”

I  _ think  _ he’s asking me if there’ll be time for a shag while I’m gone. “I don’t know. An hour, maybe? Do you need me out longer?”

“No, Bunce, I’m not throwing you out of your bloody home. Actually, I was hoping for your input on something.”

_ Interesting. _ “What's that?”

“Look, I’ll be frank. I’m about to go a week without getting fucked. I realize that with your long-distance situation this probably seems like no time at all, but you’ve never experienced what it is to be well-fucked by Simon Snow.”

I’ve just been giving him a blank stare through his miniature monologue. “Nor do I want to.”

“All’s well then. So.” He leans against the wall, hands in his pockets, long legs crossed. “What exactly was it you heard - whenever you heard it - & what did it sound like?”

I raise an eyebrow at him & cross my arms. “Basil. Do you have a secret kink I should know about?”

“ _ No.  _ What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think it’s the  _ duration  _ of my spell that’s the problem. Earlier, when Simon & I were talking, he said something about  _ breaking  _ spells, which got me thinking.” Basil raises an eyebrow at me, now. (He is an  _ expert  _ at eyebrow-raising.) “I have a sensitive prostate, Bunce, & when Simon hits it with his perfect cock it's like I've ascended to the heaven I'll never actually see when I die. It would appear I’m so incredibly  _ enthusiastic _ in my ecstasy that you’re hearing me  _ through  _ the spell.”

I think of all the times we’ve talked about sex, the three of us. I don’t recall ever going red like I surely am right now. I think,  _ He's doing this on purpose. _ Well, I'm not giving in. I say, “Now that you say so, what I heard  _ was  _ muffled. And just you.” 

“Right. That said, do you have any thoughts on how this might be remedied? Because I’ve been thinking it through all evening & I haven’t been able to come up with a proper solution. Like I said, I’m about to go a week without getting fucked. I absolutely intend to go hard tonight until I physically can’t any longer, until my cock literally refuses to go on. I don’t want to impede on your beauty sleep.” This is it. This is my punishment. 

I say, “I’ll think it over in the car, but nothing’s immediately coming to mind.” 

He nods a few times, then says, “Do you have earplugs?” 

“No.”

“Well, you may want to stop off at the chemist’s & buy a pair on your way home. I don't need bloody  **Candle in the wind** to go all night.” 

“You’re a vindictive little shit.”

He sneers at me, leans so close that I can smell the wine on his breath. “I know,” he whispers, then opens Simon’s door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a wrap, folks! Thanks for reading. <3
> 
> **A/N, many months after the fic’s been done:**
> 
> Hey y’all. I wanted to pop in & say I’ve been thinking… _a decent amount_ about this fic ever since I finished it, especially since I’ve been carrying on writing other stories on this timeline. I’ve gotten comments about Baz’s out of character nature in the epilogue, & I wanted to come in & say that _Baz is drunk here._ Even if he wasn’t, I don’t know about y’all, but I have said things in my life that I immediately regret & go on being embarrassed about for literal years to come. I understand that it might not be immediately clear that that’s what’s going on here, especially since there is no Baz POV in this particular story, so I’ve been debating going back through the whole thing & adding some extra bits here & there to make that more clear. In any case, he (& Penny, & even Simon, to an extent) think back to this moment in later installments of the series & give retrospective thoughts/feelings/etc. (There is also a through line in my series of Baz saying things he’s thinking out loud when he’s intoxicated.) Unrelated to drunkenness – I do like the idea of Baz loosening up as time goes on, of coming into his own, of making friends with Penny, & of being human & making stupid comments.
> 
> Anyway, this admittedly wasn’t my most well thought out fic, & I just wanted to leave this note as a placeholder while the story remains unedited, & also for anyone who might be thinking “WTF just happened here?”

**Author's Note:**

> Come [visit me on Tumblr if that's your thang](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thehoneyedhufflepuff)
> 
>  
> 
> [Heroes by David Bowie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kyk7tOiGgZU)


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